I have been absent.
In my absence a story has been unfolding. A story that I couldn't
tell because of the intricacies and the people that were involved.
It is now my story to tell.
Just like every story there is more than one side. In this one,
there are more like 52 sides. All I can write about is my journey through the last 5 months.
My particular part of our story begins May 9, 2012. This day is a special one for me because
it is my birthday. I received an email from an unknown person so I opened it
and I couldn't believe the contents of this email. It was from a young woman
and she opened up to me about her life in a way that was brutally honest and
beautifully written. She knew Dave and I because she had seen us lead worship
before. The last line of her letter to me said, "would you two pray and
consider adopting our baby?"
I read that line over and over and yes, I wept. Could this possibly be the child that I had
prayed and longed for? I was willing to dig and find out more for sure. I
found out details of the story that made it difficult for me to believe that
this could possibly be the right story to jump into for our family. This couple
was married and loved Jesus. All we had learned up to this point was that it
was better for babies to stay with their God-given families if at all possible.
We were in the adoption process to care for an unwanted child or love a baby
that couldn't be taken care of by their birth family. This was an entirely new
thought for us - to become
involved with a couple who could care
for and love their child. We prayed and prayed and prayed some more and decided
to meet this couple. We thought we at least owed it to them to meet them and
love on them a little.
We met them at the end of May and heard their story and we cared
for and loved them right away. They were hurting and we offered some of our
strength. We felt that God said to walk with them because so many people had
hurt them and turned their backs on them due to their decision to give their
child for adoption.
I remember telling God that I would support them even if there was
no child in it for us. I meant it in my heart of hearts but I thought that
surely God wouldn't have me get so involved if there wasn't a child arriving in
my life. They officially chose us to be the parents for their baby and so we
started forming relationship with them. June through September consisted of
doctor appointments, family meetings, dinners, decisions, praying, preparing
etc. I was able to go to the appointment with the ultrasound and we found out
that it was a girl. What a precious and exciting day that was for me! My heart
had so longed for a girl. I went into preparation mode with getting the nursery
ready and buying girly things.
All the while we knew to remain hopeful in the Lord and not to get
too excited because they could always choose to keep her. Talk about the
weirdest feeling ever. Prepare but don't get too excited? Ha! It was a
balancing act with my emotions. God was always there though, reassuring that He
wanted us right where we were and so we kept on moving forward.
There have been so many painful moments in the last 5 months that
I can't even recount. This young couples’ families were hurting because they
wanted this child, this heir, their legacy to remain in the family. I had
complete understanding and compassion on the grandparents and all people
involved. My heart ached for them and I shed many tears over their family. I
felt like they must blame us for all this pain. I just kept telling myself that
this wasn't my decision and I was
following Jesus the best that I could.
We felt God had asked us to support this couple.
Support-To bear or hold up; serve as a foundation for. To sustain or
withstand without giving way.
Were there days that I wanted to give way? YES! I KNOW there were
times that I was not a good foundation for them. I think God covered all of our
weaknesses though. He is so good like that.
As I am able, perhaps I will share more of the in-between story
(between May and October). I know God
will give me more understanding, and maybe it will help others in the adoption
process in the future.
On Monday, October 1, 2012 our case worker called us to come to
the hospital because our birth mom was in labor. My stomach was filled with
butterflies and anxiousness. I would cry and then laugh. I had prepared for a
child to come home, for a dream to be fulfilled, for the joy of a baby's cry
and coos in my home once again. Not only me, but my husband and my son, my
parents, my siblings, and my friends had prayed and awaited this moment.
When we arrived, I was so fearful to see the family. I didn't want
to cause pain or anxiety in them. I didn't know what to say or how to explain
that all I had wanted was to be obedient, support their children but also to
fulfill a dream and a hope in me. I definitely didn't want my dreams or
selfishness to cause pain to others. All I can say is that the Lord was in that
hospital waiting room. There was peace, laughter and unity. How could that
happen in such an intense environment? The answer is Jesus.
The labor lasted a long time and so we waited. The birth mom went
through so much and I was astounded by her strength. Finally, 7:04 pm this baby
girl showed up and graced the world with her presence. She was 7lbs, 14oz and
22 inches long with a head full of black hair. The hospital had a room prepared
for us (the adoptive family) and around 11pm on October 1st they brought this
beautiful and anticipated little one into our room and told us how to be her
care takers. It wasn't official yet, that we would be her parents, as the birth
family needed rest before a final decision, but we gladly took this time with baby-girl
and soaked her up.
I swept her up into my arms immediately and only put her down in
her bassinet twice in 16 hours. We
got to be her care takers until 3pm the next day, which was October 2, 2012. We sang over her, prayed for her,
changed her diapers, fed her and just basically stared at her often. It was a
difficult and beautiful time. It was VERY hard not knowing the final decision,
but we kept calling on the grace of God and He kept giving it. At 3:15 pm we took her to the
birth family's room so they could spend some time with her and they could have
visitors meet this new beauty. We left and we waited. We waited for what felt
like years but was only a few hours.
Our case worker came in to tell us where the birth family was at
in the process of deciding and that they were having some questions in their
hearts about what was right. They
couldn't make a decision.
They kept the baby that night and we went to sleep with so many
questions in our minds and in our hearts. The next morning, October 3, 2012, I
awoke and I immediately knew that the thing gnawing at my heart the most was,
NOT KNOWING the outcome. I was going to be okay either way. If they knew they
could keep this little girl and love her then I would be COMPLETELY good with
that or if they were ready to give her to us knowing that we were the best
choice for her, then I was definitely ready. I just needed to have an answer.
That answer wouldn't come until 8:00pm that night. The crazy thing
was the answer dropped in our hearts before they even called us over. We knew
that if there was a question in their minds and hearts and there was some
desire to parent on their side that we most definitely WOULD NOT take her home.
We were ready to adopt a child
that wasn't wanted or couldn't be taken care of and this was no longer the
case.
Dave and I took our car seat and walked down the long hallway to
the room that held three very important people in our lives. I didn't know how
emotional I was going to be but I was so emotional that I couldn't say a word,
which for those of you who know me, you know that is rare. We gifted them the
car seat and then my husband, the most spectacular, sensitive, honorable and
loving man I have ever known, began blessing them as parents and telling them
that we support them and will continue to do so, while I stood there blubbering
away.
I was astonished at his grace and leadership in such a crazy and
painful moment. He prayed over the three of them and then they spoke to us.
They kept apologizing and thanking us for all the support. I hurt in my heart for them knowing how
difficult that was for them to tell us. We hugged them and said goodbye to the baby and exited the
room. I felt as if my legs would give out on me and wanted to run and scream
and cry.
I didn't feel like I was leaving “my child” at the hospital like I
thought I would, but I was leaving a dream. 5 months of time, energy, finances,
preparation, tears, excitement. There was a death to a piece of my heart; working so hard for
something and now we are back to…nothing.
Why
did I get into this in the first place? Was it just to support this couple? Is
it enough to know that I had a part to play in their lives and in their choice
to keep the baby? Can I possibly enter into another adoption story ever again?
What do I do with the baby swing sitting in my living room? How can I stop crying
every time I walk past the nursery made up for a little girl? How many days,
weeks, months, years will it take to grieve this? How can I support my husband’s
grief when it doesn't look at all like mine? How do I tell my almost 8 year old
that we didn't bring his sister home with us? When will my heart be okay to
continue pursuing this dream of loving a child and bringing them up in the
Lord?
These are just a few questions I have racing through my mind but I know that this is NOT the end of our journey.....
Blessing:
Father, I bless this baby girl that YOU knew and formed in the
womb. I thank you that you love her more than anyone and that she belongs to
You! "The Lord's" is
written on her tiny hands. I bless her with a full life and lots of love all
the days of her life.
Father, I bless the birth parents with grace to raise Your child.
Give them the strength and peace to parent on the good days and the bad. I
bless them with your presence in their home, in their bodies, and in their
family.
Father, I bless my wonderful husband with time with you, seeking Your
face and hearing Your voice. I bless him with dreams and more dreams and
visions that are fulfilled. I bless him as a Daddy and his dream to have more
children with me.
Father, I bless my son. I bless his mind, his heart, and his
spirit to know You truly and fully. I bless him with understanding that YOU ARE
GOOD no matter the circumstances. I bless him to trust You in everything even
when he sees his mommy cry.
Father, I bless the extended family of this precious couple. I
bless them with closeness and unity with one another like never before. I bless
them with open and real communication with each other and with You. I bless
them with joy during such a time of celebration.
Father, I bless our case worker. I bless her with your presence in
her growing family. I bless her with the strength to do what you have called
her to do and to be who you made her to be.
Father, I bless my family and friends. I bless them to have
understanding, wisdom, and strength for each other and for us during this time.
I bless them and their families to be strong and in love with You more than
they ever have been.
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